I will not lie, I am furious right now. However I will try my best to reframe from cursing or ranting and raving and try to defend myself. However...I don't know why I'm bothering. You have made up your minds about me already. 

It may not have been said but I know you guys don't want me on this site anymore. You may not say it but it's heavily implied. I thought today when I had a  serious talk with Scott and we bounced off ideas with each other. This issue was solved. I was going to relent, maybe stop having Bair try to be the hero and save the day even if that was not my original plan. The only characters I was going to do something with during this whole war thing were Alysa and Jessica. The rest of the story would be determined by all of us together on how it goes. It was planned to be a simple "Setting: Azorah declares war on Elodus for a reason" With ultimate end goal of "Elodus wins". Everything in between was going to be constructed by us. Scott's talk with me doubled down on this idea since he's right. I do put to much emphasis on Bair and his adventures I do put my characters first  before thinking about others sometimes, and it shouldn't be like that. That's why Bair's story is going to be self contained and away from the actual story that is far more important. 

And Yes, I was hoping for a big redemption story for Inora. You want to know why? I truly believe that people, even the worst of us, have a chance to better themselves. I believe in the policy of a little act of kindness going a long way.  Bair's little act of kindness of helping someone who wronged both him and several others would be what inspired Inora to give a hard look at her life and get a second chance and actually deciding to use it to improve her life. 

I really did not like that the first plan of action when Inora did the right thing and not escape even if there was a wide open opportunity was the whole "Erase her" thing. I felt it was unneeded and irritating.  It's why I had to shoehorn Luna in because I seriously felt there were other ways around it. 

I absolute loathed that Equi's plan of showing Syon's new power, which I was all on board with him showing Syon's new strength, was "encase Azorah's capital" . That, to me at least, felt unneeded. 

I do think that maybe I was a bit harsh in making thinly veiled threats against a character he really likes because of these dislikes and yeah, he has the right to be angry about that. I will not defend myself in any of those accusations. I acted like a child. 

That being said, I love some of the new ideas that came forward. Naru's idea about Zephyra becoming a Damned for instance. That actually sounds pretty good, so good that I actually am going to do that instead of the Inora redemption story I really want to do. I also agree with Scott that I should let someone else take center stage and it probably doesn't even need to be my character. As much fun as it would be for Bair to come in and show off...that's not what this story needs. 

I also love that I said after I did a simple little comment about thinking "Equi somehow having the power to read my mind and comes up with ideas to spite me" being taken seriously. Of course I don't actually think that, it's just unfortunate coincidence from two very different thinking people and writing styles. From what I can tell, I prefer over the top violence, stories of hope and optimism, and the heroes journey as my basis for a story. Equi prefers gritty reality and harsh subject materials design to make a reader uncomfortable in a good way., to get them to think. 

Obviously we are going to clash a bit, and I will admit sometimes I go to far with protecting my characters. I admit it, I do not like it when my characters lose. I hate it even more when they feel worthless. I feel demeaned and like I am unneeded and that I honestly have no place, not just on that thread but on the site in general. Like I'm not wanted and that if you guys had it your way you would rather have me quit. 

Another obviously I know that's a leap in logic, however that doesn't mean it's how I feel sometimes.. I feel like everything I do is instantly declared wrong and stupid and hated. Like, no matter what I come up with, even if it's a neat idea, it's just declared as garbage. 

Look, I admit I'm more grumpy lately but I am also approaching a huge date of importance to me and I want to die every time I think about it.If you got to know, December 9th is coming and it...was my Mom's birthday. I think about it a lot...and it crushes me every time I do. I think about how I want her hear and how much I want her to look at me and say "That's my son...he's doing okay for himself"

However, I'll never hear that again. So sorry if I'm a bit grumpy and a bit flaky because quite frankly I'm in no mood for any more drama on top of the stress of work, school, and other things. 

I do love you guys...I just...wonder if you love me back sometimes despite everything in my brain saying that you do.  

I know this sounds pathetic, because it is, but here's the thing. I am very connected to my emotions because they're all I have left that make me feel human. I am torn up about my mother. I get deflated every time there's a rant about my writing style, and I feel defeated knowing that despite all of this typing, despite all of this effort I put in trying to say something

I still don't know why I even bothered to type this...I know what's going to happen. A counter rant or something...

However...maybe I'm hoping that I get proven wrong.